A Dictionary of Sorts {tinder}

I get asked a lot of questions about Tinder. Friends get excited about it in the same way that you might get excited about your best friend leaving on a round-the-world trip: you’re happy for them, but it’s not the life you would choose. Really. To explain Tindering a bit more, I’ve compiled a list of some common phenomena.

Dopamine List: That pleasing list of matches which you can look through on hard days to remind yourself that someone out there does think they might want to fuck you one day.

Dark Ager: That friend who still insists on making a distinction between Tinder dates and ‘real dates,’ e.g. that time he got shitfaced on ecstasy and alcohol and ended up sleeping with a girl who by pure blind luck wasn’t half bad in the morning light. He’s also forgotten the ninety-nine other times he woke up next to idiots.

Lost Soulmating: Accidentally swiping left on someone who had you biting your lips. Usually accompanied by the conviction that that was the one true love that you just lost.

Freudian Slip Match: Accidentally swiping right on someone you don’t find attractive. If you’re kind, you’ll wait a few days to quietly unmatch them so it won’t be too obvious that you swiped them by mistake.

Headfuck Freudian Slip Match: Accidentally swiping right on someone who looks like an extra from Pirates of the Caribbean, and never seeing them again, leading you to realize they didn’t find you attractive enough to swipe right.

Taranoia: The fear that every time a stranger on the metro or a new student looks at you funny, they’re recognizing you from Tinder or OkStupid. This is often followed quickly by a clear and unwanted memory of your open answer to that question about dolphin costumes and sexual fruit foreplay.

Vanity Grading: The ability to accurately place a person on the hotness versus vanity graph based on their profile pictures. The most successful vanity graders also understand exactly how much vanity they are willing to stomach for how much hotness, and for how long.

Last Action Heroes: The matches who try to strike up a conversation on Saturday afternoon in the hopes of getting laid on Saturday night. Last Action Heroes never learn from their mistakes either, and will continue to lie dormant all through the week and find themselves drunk, horny and sexless at 1 a.m. on Friday night.

Gang Camouflage: Not being able to identify the actual person as every profile shot is of the same group of friends. Remember Murphy’s Law: it’ll never be the one hot friend in the group.

Fluffy Bait: Posing with a really cute cat or dog to up your sex appeal. It works, but you then need to bring the animal along to the date. After that it gets awkward.

I am Samming: Putting up profile pictures of you with your stunning ex or even just you with beautiful people at a party. Also, using hastily-cropped pictures of you nestled against a phantom forehead. Why? Just, why?

PR Disaster: A perfectly hot person who ruins their profile by writing endless drivel in the vein of there being only one life, living said life, seizing of days, non-acceptance of compromises, etc. This will often be accompanied by at least one picture of them jumping up in the air. A Vodafone commercial, basically.

Tinderapy: Responding to any perceived rejection or failure by logging back onto Tinder and setting up a date with the first match you get talking to. Immature, but very effective.

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