Homework Sheets {tinder}

What do you want? How do you like it? Squeeze it harder. Don’t touch it. Touch it. Now stop. Slower. Faster. Where can I cum? Cum here. Cum there. Cum anywhere. Oh my god, don’t stop!

It’s your second shag with your Tinder date, school is open and class is in session. It’s time to learn how the other person likes it.

This school is fun. It’s fun to learn how to give someone pleasure and exactly how to play this particular mind and body. It’s fun to give yourself that invisible pat on the back, or even a high-five, when they orgasm. And sometimes, it’s fun to find out just how freaky this very conservative looking person really is.

I asked some fellow tinder users what they’ve taught and learned between the sheets. We started with special requests. What do you ask lovers to do for you? Most wouldn’t admit to anything more than asking to be tied up or getting their ass smacked. One person has always wanted, but never asked, the girl to stand naked and still in a corner of the room with a lampshade on her head. I imagine he’d read a book or something under her light…

When it comes to secrets it’s always easier to spill someone else’s. So my next question was have you ever turned down a special request from a lover?

‘Come in for a beer and I’ll shave your pussy,’ has been turned down. As has, ‘Can I pee on your tits’, for obvious reasons; no one wants to do the extra laundry. ‘Can you stick your finger up my bum please’ has been turned down, as well as ‘Can I lick your bum’.

Men curiously were able to name several interesting requests, but none that they’ve turned down. What the lady requests, the lady gets apparently. She wants her pussy shaved in the shower? Done. She wants oral sex through cling film because she believes her juices and his saliva are incompatible? Done, albeit grudgingly. She wants a plaster cast of his dick? Done. She wants a condom emptied in her mouth? Done. She wants to be punched in the face? Not done. She wants a foot massage? Not done. Okay so two men have turned down requests.

Which brings us on to the real conversation starter. What’s the weirdest thing a lover has done in bed? Now bear in mind, weird is an extremely subjective concept and each person has a different definition of it. For example, dressing up in his country’s traditional attire and nibbling her toes may be a great first date for some girls and not so much for other girls. Poking her belly button with his index finger while giving her oral sex was one girl’s weird. The guy who licked his own cum off her stomach came across as a tad strange, as did the girl who fingered her own bum during their first kiss.

Then there were a few incidents which didn’t seem entirely voluntary. Crapping herself while straddling him so that it went all over his balls and thighs didn’t appear to have been planned. The prize however goes to the girl who is known amongst her friends as the giver of the worst blowjob in history. While attempting to follow deep throat instructions she’d read on the Internet, She gagged and then threw up all over his penis. School had to be closed until further notice.

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