My mate and I were approached in a bar last night- she wanted a threesome. This girl was hot! Big friendly smile, naughty knowing eyes, and a ring on her lower lip. I did my usual thing- laughed, said no because I was embarrassed by the question, talked to her for some time, felt searing regret for turning her down, died inside, then stood there smiling, and begging her with my eyes to ask me again so I could maybe say yes. You know, the standard response. Oh god I hate myself! Help me get out of this. We Facebook befriended each other, so I still have a window of opportunity. She sent me an invite to an event that looks like it’s a sex party. As you may have guessed, I’m an extremely shy guiri. I’m scared I won’t really belong at the ball, but I want to give it a try. What’s the etiquette? How does this work? What are the rights of access? Help me!
– Sex Party Cinderella
Dear Sex Party Cinderella,
Don’t worry. Your Sex Advice Fairy Godmother is here and everything is going to be all right.
The rights of access are pretty well organized; follow the road rules in Spain. Not the rules of access at an intersection, but the rules of entering a narrow space.
Rule #2 – He or she who enters the narrow space first has the right of way; you have to wait until they’ve passed.
Rule #3 – If two people approach the narrow space at the same time, and are equidistant from the entrance, there’s a hierarchy of right of way, based on who would have the most difficulty maneuvering away. Number one on the list is a ‘conjunto de vehículos’, a series of vehicles joined together. If another person approaching also has someone in their bum at the same time, it’s harder for them to back up, so they get the right of way.
Rule #4 – If the peeps approaching the space at the same time, are of the same type on the hierarchy from rule 3, the one with a greater length, mass, or girth goes first. You’re gonna have to whip it/them out and compare.
And never, ever forget Rule #1 – Don’t drink and drive over the limit. As a first time orgy-er, I’d recommend not going over 2 cañas. You’ll be tempted to use alcohol to get over your shyness, but you don’t want to turn into the shit-faced orgy virgin.
You’re all set for the ball, princess. Enjoy!
I met this guy a few weeks ago. He really likes food, and so do I. I want to bring those things together, in a sexy way. So far it hasn’t worked because we go out to a nice restaurant, eat a menu, get completely fat and filled up, and then need a siesta or we need to sleep straight away. You know? Not exactly sexy. I don’t know, should we just order the salad when we go out? Not exactly a foodie’s wet dream.
– Menú del Sexo
Dear Menu del Sexo,
Hmmm, I know what you mean. I always get bloated-food-baby regret after eating a menu del día. But don’t order just salads. There is a less extreme solution. Time your food sex in between meals, keep it light, and keep it at home – so you can get sexy during food. My food sex guide:
– Plan it around the pica pica. Keep it sweet and with alcohol if possible – cava, strawberries, etc. Stay away from spices and strong flavours, picante and pussy is not a good combo.
– Whipped cream: This is such a cliché, but it’s popular for a reason. A mouthful of whipped cream is delicious when there’s a nipple under it.
– Honey is an absolute bastard to clean off. Remember how sticky your fingers feel when you touch the jar? Now imagine that stickiness all over your body…your penis. Sticky is not slippery.
– Chocolate is slightly better than honey, but will always result in that one little mental freak out when one of you thinks it’s shit.
And lastly, have delicious food para llevar from your favourite restaurant ready to reheat for the after-sex hunger. Slaving over a meal all day for your special someone is for losers. Who has time for that shit when there’s sex to be had? Bon profit!