pulpo-sex-advice

Sex Advice: we won’t solve your problems, but we may give you newer and more interesting ones

So I’ve had a long history with this guy. We slept together occasionally, but it wasn’t anything serious. We never defined it and I was seeing other people. Then at some point he got really into it but I wasn’t. Then I went away travelling and when I came back I was in love with someone else. After some months we got back in touch, and this time I really got into it. I told him I was in love with him and he said he was too, so we’ve kind of started a relationship. It’s great when we´re together! We talk about so many interesting things, we hang out and we have great sex. But he never calls me, and he never arranges to meet. I’m always the one who has to call. What’s the problem? How can I get him to call me?
-Your Best Friend

Dear Best Friend,
Blah! Blah! Blah! You could have cut that whole suuuper interesting story down to the last three or four lines. The rest of that shit was the past.
People who are in love with each other demonstrate this through actions and words. People who aren’t in love don’t bother.
The dude isn’t in to you. Grow a pair, gather what’s remaining of your self-respect and leave.
You could then take time to learn lessons and grow as a human being. Or… since it’s July and the start of another hedonic Barcelona summer, maybe you could just fuck your way out of the heartbreak?

I’m in a stable long-term relationship. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost eight years now and we love each other very much. But then biology happened and I met this guy who I find really hot! Now I can’t stop thinking about this other guy and wanting to sleep with him. What I feel for this other guy is just carnal. Mostly. Mostly just carnal. What do I do?
– Miss Biology

Dear Miss Biology,
I take it you don’t want to go down the usual cheat on your boyfriend and royally fuck up your life, relationship, and sense of integrity route? No? Sure?
In that case you have two options. First, take an honest look at your relationship to see if it’s okay. If everything’s fine there, then you could consider opening up the relationship.
I’ve drawn up a simple step-by-step guide:

1. Get can opener, open can of worms: Sit down with your partner and ask them ‘hypothetically speaking’ if they’ve ever thought about an open relationship. This will result in two immediate questions: who do you want to fuck? And: have you already fucked them? Your answer to the second question needs to be ‘no’ for this to work. This will swiftly be followed by a delightful emotional cocktail of jealousy, anger, and fear of losing you.

2. Apply blanket to fire: Now you need to reassure, reassure, reassure. Let your partner know they are the one you love (the most), that you’re happy in the relationship etc. Tell them about the other guy and help your partner work through any jealousy. Ask him who he fancies.

3. Trip planning: Next, discuss rules, safety etc. Who and what are acceptable or not acceptable? The best part of a trip is the planning, right? (It’s not. That’s just something sad control freaks say.)

4. Pack yer bags for lands unknown: You’re going on an adventure! Hooray! Remember to keep: Communicating – Reassuring – Fornicating. The CRFs of an open relationship are a constant cycle, and you cannot neglect any of the 3 phases.

Look, I’ve been using Tinder and OKCupid and a few other online profiles to meet girls and I’ve been very successful! Dude this shit is SO easy!!!
I’ve got one leeetle problemo, and it’s not even a proper problem as such. It’s just that, in the past if I met a girl on a date and I didn’t like her, I’d just, y’know, stop replying to her messages and she’d soon drop it.
But recently I’ve been reading some mindfulness articles and doing some of the 5-minute meditations. And I gotta say, I can feel real changes happening in me. One of these changes is that I want to be nicer to these girls I turn down.
How do I turn them down nicely?
– Mr. Meditation

Dear Mr. Meditation,
Dude! I know right? Shit is sooo easy! Mental chest bump bro (but gently, got my period and my boobs are killing me)!
Okay, nice ways to break of casual dates…

1. Lack of chemistry: A text message stating that you really liked them but didn’t feel any chemistry on your part is a good way to end things.

2. Difficult Life Phase: If you slept with them or made out with them or did anything to compromise the ‘chemistry’ claim you could then send a message to say that you’re just coming out of a breakup and it turns out you’re not really ready to start dating. You need to take some time to be on your own.

These two messages should cover most situations. And yes, they are lies and not very spiritual, but you can choose to play the honesty game or the kindness game in dating. You can’t play both.

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