Spring cleans and lost loves

tinder-p

An inbox limit imposed on non-paying members has forced me to clear out my Okstupid inbox. It seems that while I was distracted with Tinder, I let true love slip through my fingers again. And again. This was my first prince
charming:

Hi, let’s have an adventure. I propose having a quick date in a cafe. If we feel like, we enter the nearest hotel (we won’t have the meeting in Hotel Mandarin cafeteria). We stay there for a couple of hours and if we like the experience, we might repeat. Sounds like a game and I like games. Cheers. Message sent from: GamePlayer

Was GamePlayer trying to tempt me with a fuck in an expensive hotel? Or was he telling me he would definitely not fuck me in an expensive hotel? God these reverse psychology games kill me! The king of perverse reverse psychology had to be SexyBoybcn though:

Hey! I think I’m gay…don t worry :) Just checking you out because I am jealous of how feminine and delicate (yet powerful) you look.

Message sent from: SexyBoybcn

How was I supposed to react to this? Was I meant to feel an overpowering urge to seduce him back to the straight side? Gah! All the head games were enough to make me (almost) appreciate the direct ones. Take Tuorgasmos for example, a man who’s both patient and direct:

Sent 24/12/2014: Heyy! don’t you want to see the bacon sandwich?

Sent 20/01/2015: Hey Polly, do you want huge cocks?

Message sent from: tuorgasmos

Then again, be careful what you wish for. Direct isn’t always a good thing. A lesson BP taught me within a couple of clicks.

BP: Would love to meet for sex. Married man here. 39. Wife travelling. I’m handsome, but can’t host. Crazy idea or something you might consider?

BP actually messaged me with a full name which I assumed to be made up because no one attempting to cheat would be that stupid, right? Luckily for him I decided to google it before writing this and found to my surprise a person by that name not only does live in Bcn and but also fits the profile of a potential adulterer. Another not-as-young as-he-used-to-be, egoistical expat who thinks his creativity or success combined with his dissatisfaction somehow entitles him to shit all over his vilified partner. This one was straightforward though, so I’ll give him one point for honesty. Of all the people BP could have tried to initiate a secret affair with, a sex columnist was probably not his luckiest choice.

I don’t need to settle for a cheater though, not when I could have a personalized stalker instead. These were the last two of about eight messages from him spread over a month. I hadn’t replied to any of them.

Sent 25/12/2014: I can’t take you ignoring me. Anyone but u, u are pretty, my precious hahaha

Sent 31/12/2014: Where can i find u tonight like by chance?

Messages sent from: Gollum

Nothing like a bit of holiday season stalking to make a girl feel special. It almost drove me into the arms of this guy:

Hi Polly, I’m in Barcelona for a week and I would love to fuck you hard, not only once… deal? Message sent from: Doctorlove

You had me at ‘not only once’ my friend. The dates on the messages were all old and I’d missed Doctorlove by about six months. But none of that hurt as much as the last and oldest message in my inbox. Way to go to break a girl’s heart.

Sent 10/09/2014: Hey, i’m a globetraveler. i traveled the whole south/central/ north america and nowadays i’m travelling in europa. my fav thing is to give oral pleasure to one woman in every city i visit. Just oral nothing more. As i saidi visited whole america so i’m pretty experienced and good at it. :) i’ll visit your city in a month. When i leave the city, i’m gone. You’ll propably never see me again. if this kind of casual sex interests you, hit me up. if not sorry for inconvenience. Take care.

Message sent from: Globetrottingcunnilingus

Cunnilingus come back!!!!!

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