As the semi-regular user settles into a Tindering rhythm, you’ll find you’re soon able to spot the different species of Tinderers. To get you started, we’ve compiled a handy spotter’s guide. This guide is designed to be most useful after you’ve had a little field practise. It’s still in the beta version though, so please use with caution.
The Common Garden Rebounder
This is the most common species of Tinderer and is widespread in all Tinder habitats around the world. They have just ended relationships within the last year and have generally spent the ensuing time moping around barbeque parties like some melancholic spectre. In desperation, their friends have hijacked their phones and Tindered them up. They are mildly interested in ‘finding someone’ new, and have done you the favour of accepting a date. They can sometimes be spotted by their inexplicable tendency to have a picture of themselves with their ex on their Tinder profile.Chances of having sex: Low/medium
Dangers: If treated too gently they can make the mistake of thinking you actually want to listen to how their last partner wronged them. Avoid relationship-related topics at all costs. In extreme situations, ditch and run. Therapy is expensive, so don’t go handing freebies out to strangers on your one night off.
The Great Horned Rebounder
Although not as common as the Garden Rebounder, the Great Horned Rebounder is a much more flamboyant member of the family. With brightly coloured plumes and aggressively practised mating dances, this one is hard to miss. They signed themselves up for Tinder without any cajoling and, unlike the Garden Rebounder, have probably spent the time since their breakup fucking their way through the phone book. One Great Horned Rebounder I know has not had a full night’s sleep since January.Chances of having sex: High
Dangers: This one is extremely unlikely to give up its newfound freedom and hunting skills. Do not try to cage this bird.
The Ringed Commiternator
Not identifiable from their plumage, Commiternators can be identified by the song they sing. The finest example of a Commiternator I’ve ever spotted was a female. I met her when her Tinder boyfriend had just broken her heart. What happened, you ask? She found out he was cheating on her. That’s terrible. How long were they going out for when she caught him? Two weeks. They had been a couple for two weeks? Yes, they had met on Tinder… two weeks ago. He met her parents within one week. She thought they would be moving in together next month.Chances of having sex: Medium
Dangers: Fast track to lunches with the in-laws and weddings. Plus colour themed furnishings with his & her crap.
The Weekend Flycatcher
Of varying age, the Weekend Flycatcher is the Tinderer who is generally only in town for a couple of days. This out-of-towner will get straight to the point within 1-2 lines of text. They are usually here on a business trip or travelling. Great for a one-night stand with no strings attached, particularly if you want to try some alternative stuff and never want to see them again after. Want to try a threesome, bisexuality or swinging? This is your species. Text messages like ‘Hi, I’m visiting Barcelona. Can you recommend a good bar?’ all the way up to the more direct ‘I’m leaving Barcelona on Sunday. Want to fuck?’ have been known to succeed. You may also be interested to know that this species is very easy to impersonate if you weren’t born and raised in Barcelona. Or so I’ve heard.Chances of having sex: High
Dangers: If impersonating this species, the potential awkwardness is bumping into your date in the checkout queue at LIDL.
The Jewelled Window-Shopper
The Jewelled Window-Shopper spends hours swiping and racks up a formidable list of matches. Strangely enough, the mating ritual for this species ends here. Profiles are looked at and admired. Perhaps even a thrilling ‘Hi’ or ‘Ola’ text message is exchanged, but the Window-Shopper indulges in no further mating-related behaviour. It is unclear how this species manages to perpetuate itself. One theory circulating in the scientific community is that this species has somehow evolved to have non-contact sex, known scientifically as wi-fi sex.Chances of having (contact) sex: Non-existent
Dangers: By matching with this species you may have already had sex with them without realising it. If evidence of wi-fi sex is ever scientifically verified, Durex have announced they will soon be entering the phone cover market. Textured for extra pleasure, of course.
As with every ecosystem, we don’t fully understand the delicate balance and interplay of the different naturally occurring creatures, so take care to exercise the principles of conservation: take nothing but memories and leave nothing but ass prints. Recognise that whatever species you are, or think you are, the role of prey and predator are constantly shifting. Today’s heartbroken Ringed Commiternator is tomorrow’s Great Horned Rebounder.