Dear Don Jeremy,
The other night my older brother had a friend sleep over and I overheard them talking about something awful! His friend went on and on about Blue Balls, which is when a guy’s testicles swell and turn blue if he gets a boner but doesn’t get the chance to blow his wad. Is this true? It sounds scary! Or is my brother’s friend just a douche? Thanks!
Young Inquisitive Mind
That’s true. Your brother’s friend may still be a douche, but the condition they spoke of is terrible and real. Testicular cancer, grouchiness and war can all be linked to Blue Balls. Lucky for you, the health students at Jerome Middle School in Idaho have compiled some data to celebrate Blue Balls History Month this March. Here’s an excerpt:
In Dante’s Inferno, women who inflict blue balls on faithful men are sent to the eleventh circle of Hell.
18th-century Masonic rituals would include the 31 Days of Blue Balls, by which a Lodge Master was chosen. French whores (cueilleuses de bleuets) bound the candidates’ scrotums with satin bows and teased them with feathers and such.
Eros frustratus, clausus monte est. – Ovid
In 1988 a scientist from Japan isolated the source of the inflammation causing blue balls.
On the night his girlfriend left him, Van Gogh sniffed the aphrodisiaque du jour, dried and crushed grey wolf testicles, which so engorged his genitals that he could not sleep for three days and ended up cutting off his own ear!