In July, I gave you ladies some useful DON’Ts to remember for Barcelona-based sexcapades. In the Game of Life, however, there are even more rules to learn. Some of these are called laws and if you don’t follow them, you’ll probably get in trouble. But if you have XX chromosomes and internal reproductive organs, there are many others you should be aware of, which I have kindly set out for you dumb bints in this easy-to-follow guide.
Please, please, aim for an average IQ and although you can go to university, try not to do too well. Being a know-it-all isn’t attractive: even clever men would rather you were less intelligent so they have lots of room for mansplaining. Never ever attempt to mansplain yourself. There’s nothing uglier than a woman who can explain something complicated.
Other manly domains you should not enter include the drinking of alcohol and, of course, eating. Although you may enjoy cava at celebrations, please don’t drink so much that you start wrestling people: that’s not ladylike. Where possible, avoid eating: it’s not attractive to put anything in your mouth that isn’t a penis and fat cells are for breasts only.
If you insist on working and wasting valuable time which would be better spent brushing your hair and colouring in your nails, ensure your job isn’t too threatening. I would suggest something secretarial or with make-up. Ideally, stick to limited charity work with babies or kittens.
Please do not bother leaving the house without first spending at least three hours drawing on your face and attaching things to your hair. It’s important to make your mouth look as much like a vagina as possible, minus the beard. And while we’re on the subject of vaginal beards, they’re a no-no. That goes for all body hair except the spun gold that should cascade gently from your crown (if your ethnicity means you are not genetically predisposed to shiny head-silk, please remedy this immediately. No one likes a pube-head).
Always wear heels. Be warned though: if they’re lower than two inches, you’re probably a lesbian and if they’re six-inch stilettos, you’re almost certainly a stripper. While following this doctrine, don’t forget to ensure you’re shorter than the majority of the male sex or, where necessary, stoop.
If you’re not dressed in a short skirt or a low-cut top, you’re not dressed properly. But please don’t wear both at once because that’s slutty and you will get raped, and it will, of course, be your fault. So don’t complain about it after; you have been told.
If you end up pregnant through any means of sexual contact, legitimate or otherwise, that’s also your fault. Please be prepared to pay for it with the rest of your –and some kid’s—life.
If you’re so incredibly selfish that in your hand-to-mouth existence and shared-flat situation, you aren’t prepared to pay for it, you’ll need three hundred euros handy to sort yourself out: the government ain’t paying for your sluttery, hobag. And be aware you will upset some people who 1) you’ve never met and 2) have never had sexual intercourse (with a lady). These include various men with strange facial hair and one tiny clean-shaven one who looks a bit like Yoda.
When you’re walking around in public, perhaps on your way to the supermarket or work—you were warned against eating and working— accept the fact that you’re on a pageant-style runway and receive feedback accordingly. If you have skin showing or own boobs, expect some insightful male commentary, like ‘¿cuánto cobras?’. Take these compliments with a smile and please don’t complain about them.
If you’re in a bar or a club, you’re on the open market. Again, please accept compliments graciously, especially when they come from a drunk man twice your age. Be aware that any conversation you’re having with another female is unimportant; cease at once when a man wishes to speak with you. If, bizarrely, you would like the man to leave, you’ll need to behave in a very unfeminine manner, using strong language and hand gestures. This is at your peril (also, you’re almost certainly a lesbian).
Having followed these rules correctly, you may be lucky enough to have bagged yourself a boyfriend. Well done you! You can put a little peg next to you soon, in your tiny Game of Life car! Remember if you want that peg –and the baby ones that go in the back—make sure you don’t expect too much. Please don’t expect to be treated like another adult human being, because you’re not really, are you?
And please don’t expect too much praise for anything you might do outside collecting pegs. Praise is reserved for posting photo albums of you and your boyfriend hugging on Facebook.
If you want more of these albums, please be prepared to subjugate your personality entirely and give him ten blowjobs a day, or don’t complain when he dumps you. If you don’t want to do this, you probably are a massive lesbian and should stop reading this and make some porn with your girlfriend instead. Suerte, chicas!