¡Ojo! con estos horóscopos. Some are just right out mean. If you truely believe in the science of star signs, you better leave this page real quick.

Libra

As one of those adventurous star signs that loves the outdoors, you will finally be able to return to La Barceloneta now that summer’s over and the beach doesn’t smell like tourist ass.

Aries

If you’re one of those people who loves an ice-cold Estrella Damm, you’re going to be extremely happy when you try real beer. Having low standards sometimes pays off.

Tauro

A glass of wine and two joints is a great way to end the day, but not a great way to start one. Can you at least hold off until after breakfast?

Geminis

There are times when God blesses us with love, friendship, and happiness. Unfortunately, you and I aren’t blessed. (I’m an atheist. What’s your sin?).

Cancer

It could be that the Moon passing through Neptune will make your social relationships feel awkward, but it could also be your bad breath. Invest in mouthwash.

Leo

This month you will finally realize that your “Only God Can Judge Me” tattoo isn’t 100% accurate, since all of us judge you all of the time.

Virgo

You spent all Spring and Summer trying to hold back on the beer, ice cream and frituras to sport that hot beach bod. Well, summer is finally over! Time to chuck it in the fuck it bucket and eat, eat, eat!

Escorpio

Congratulations, it’s your lucky month! The contract to your apartment expired, and your landlord forgot to raise the rent. Looks like you won’t get kicked out after all! For now…

Sagitario

We all hate our jobs, but you’ll find solace in leaving the office at the end of the day, getting on the train and seeing all those happy faces. Totally worth it.

Capricornio

Did somebody say “Gran Hermano VIP and Casa Tarradellas 4-cheese pizza night”? No, nobody did. But we all thought it was a good idea for a second, so go for it.

Acuario

Next time you find yourself on your way to Ikea do yourself a favor and turn around. But, if you finally decide to go, let me know because I need a couple of things if you don’t mind picking them up.

Piscis

In the next couple of months, as Mercury recedes, so will your hairline. A diet including spinach and sweet potatoes, rich in iron and vitamin B-6, will make your hair look a little less crappy as time ticks on.