20.1 – 18.2


You will feel really good about yourself this month when you run into your high school crush and see that they are fat, smelly, and have five kids.

19.2 – 20.3


Happy birthday! This time, try to drink your first whisky after 10 a.m.

21.3 – 19.4


Aries, you are a fire sign. Will you please stop complaining for once? We’re tired of it. Lucky numbers: luck doesn’t exist, get the fuck over it.

20.4 – 20.5


This Semana Santa consider going to Murcia. It’s a great place to visit, especially if you’re a racist. You’ll feel right at home.

21.5 – 20.6


After a long night drinking, you will pass out on the train and end up in Mollet. There, while eating a croissant and coffee to get rid of your hangover, you will meet the love of your life. You will have a bunch of kids and they will all grow up in Mollet. So think before you drink.

21.6 – 22.7


You will lose your phone this month. Consequently, you will spend less time sitting on the toilet, and your hemorrhoids will finally go away.

23.7 – 22.8


Getting shit on by a pigeon is good luck in some places, but shitting on pigeons is just inappropriate, so please don’t do it again.

23.8 – 22.9


Finally, you-know-who will say you-know-what to you, and then you will do that thing together and something will happen.

23.9 – 22.10


Just because 365 is a step above Granier doesn’t mean that it makes for a good first date. But if you think otherwise, meet me at the one on Avenida Paral.lel, Friday at 8pm.

23.10 – 21.11


One of your Insta posts will go viral this month, for all the wrong reasons. Keep your phone away from your roommates.

22.11 – 21.12


Your parents will finally tell you the real story of your conception. It involves two bottles of wine, a nice hotel room, and a used condom found in the garbage.

22.12 – 19.1


One is the loneliest number, but the complete and utter emptiness of the conversations you have with your friends will entice you to spend more time alone this month. Enjoy.