You will feel really good about yourself this month when you run into your high school crush and see that they are fat, smelly, and have five kids.
19.2 – 20.3
Happy birthday! This time, try to drink your first whisky after 10 a.m.
21.3 – 19.4
Aries, you are a fire sign. Will you please stop complaining for once? We’re tired of it. Lucky numbers: luck doesn’t exist, get the fuck over it.
20.4 – 20.5
This Semana Santa consider going to Murcia. It’s a great place to visit, especially if you’re a racist. You’ll feel right at home.
21.5 – 20.6
After a long night drinking, you will pass out on the train and end up in Mollet. There, while eating a croissant and coffee to get rid of your hangover, you will meet the love of your life. You will have a bunch of kids and they will all grow up in Mollet. So think before you drink.
21.6 – 22.7
You will lose your phone this month. Consequently, you will spend less time sitting on the toilet, and your hemorrhoids will finally go away.
23.7 – 22.8
Getting shit on by a pigeon is good luck in some places, but shitting on pigeons is just inappropriate, so please don’t do it again.
23.8 – 22.9
Finally, you-know-who will say you-know-what to you, and then you will do that thing together and something will happen.
23.9 – 22.10
Just because 365 is a step above Granier doesn’t mean that it makes for a good first date. But if you think otherwise, meet me at the one on Avenida Paral.lel, Friday at 8pm.
23.10 – 21.11
One of your Insta posts will go viral this month, for all the wrong reasons. Keep your phone away from your roommates.
22.11 – 21.12
Your parents will finally tell you the real story of your conception. It involves two bottles of wine, a nice hotel room, and a used condom found in the garbage.
22.12 – 19.1
One is the loneliest number, but the complete and utter emptiness of the conversations you have with your friends will entice you to spend more time alone this month. Enjoy.