20.1 – 18.2


You think you have really unique interests, since your YouTube homepage is a combination of interviews with dead musicians, Asian food recipes, progressive news feeds, and ASMR videos of puppies eating breakfast. But we all watch pretty much the same shit.

19.2 – 20.3


Fuck off.

21.3 – 19.4


The camera adds a couple of pounds, but with all the weight you’ve gained in the last few months your Tinder matches will never recognize you when you meet at the bar. Wear black.

20.4 – 20.5


After weeks of silent meditation, staring at your wall and looking deep into your soul, you will finally break your silence and say something ridiculously stupid, as usual. You will then go back into another several weeks of silence to think about what you said, repeating that moment in time over and over in your mind.

21.5 – 20.6


Your parents used to tell you that in school dances, when they were young, they would have to dance holding a balloon between their bodies so they didn’t touch each other. Nowadays that sounds pretty damn sexy.

21.6 – 22.7


After months of waiting, you’ll finally buy those tickets to Manhattan and get on the plane. But when you arrive you’ll realize that it smells like ass, most people there have crabs, and the homeless people make more money than you do.

23.7 – 22.8


You’re lucky that Glovo doesn’t have a sicario service, cause you’d definitely be dead by now after a very short crowdfunding effort by your neighbors.

23.8 – 22.9


Times are weird. If you’ve always wanted to call in to those late-night TV tarot card readers, it’s now or never. It’s not like they will say anything crazy enough to surprise you anymore.

23.9 – 22.10


“Are you okay?” That’s what you will ask a stranger in need one day this month, as you put a loving hand on their shoulder, and right before they punch you in the face for getting too close.

23.10 – 21.11


If you are one of those people that really hates using condoms when having sex, well, let me tell you, the next few months will be especially hard on you. Most of your body will be covered in cloth, plastic, latex, and lathered in sanitizer gel.

22.11 – 21.12


You will never be able to say “holy shit” ever again because, after everything we’ve been through, nothing that ever happens will be crazy enough to deserve another “holy shit”.

22.12 – 19.1


When party time finally comes along and we can all go out and get ridiculously shitfaced, you will take two steps out your door, pause, and quickly turn back and hide in the safety of your living room. Be strong.