¡Ojo! con estos horóscopos. Some are just out right mean. If you truly believe in the science of star signs, leave this page asap.

Sagitari

As the time changes and the days get shorter, your laziness and appetite only grow bigger. Plus, if the sun is down at 5:30 you’ll be able to get in at least six episodes of some random Netflix series. Shut the blinds and enjoy.

Escorpió

The crossing paths of Mars and Saturn will turn the next few weeks into a period of deep reflection on the many successes and failures of your life, and the life of your avatar in World of Warcraft.

Aries

Changing your morning coffee for a bump of meth will really enhance the productivity of your routine this month. You’ll be able to get in that morning jog, clean the house, and brush your teeth twenty times all before 9 am.

Taure

You’re right, everybody else is wrong. Right? Right.

Bessons

Mushroom picking season is in full effect. This time, if you’re going to be tripping balls, better to do it in nature and avoid another freak out panic attack in the me-tro. That long tunnel at Passeig de Gracia can f*** you up.

Lleó

This month you will become a local celebrity as tobacco companies start using your picture on cigarette packs to help people quit smoking. Venus predicts that you will save many lives.

Cranc

Luckily, all the stabbings in the city center have driven rent prices down. Spending time looking for apartments while you’re bored at the office this month may pay off.

Verge

This month you will have to make important moral decisions. One example: you think recycling is important, but you hate that fucking recycling truck that passes in front of your apartment night after night. What to do?

Balança

The ice cream that your co-worker left in the office freezer has been there way too long. It deserves to be eaten, and you deserve a dessert. Help yourself.

Capricorn

This month several beautiful people will look at you while you’re on the train, but it will be because you are picking your nose while gazing into outer space and you gross them out.

Aquari

Jupiter’s moon, Europa, might be a good place to move to when actual Europe is a scorching desert come 50 years. Let the stars guide you way the fuck off this planet.

Peixos

Fuck everybody else. If you don’t feel like talking to anyone for days at a time, who’s gonna stop you? Just don’t make eye contact, as usual.