I’m an English teacher. My problem is that I think I’ve crossed a line with a student that I didn’t mean to cross and now I have to face all that consequence shit. I mean, he was hot and all, so I invited him to a swingers party. I didn’t actually expect him to turn up! But there I was in the middle of the party when I saw him. I didn’t know what to do! I ducked out of sight and avoided him the whole party. But of course he managed to corner me, and… you know that awkward moment in a party when you meet someone but you don’t wanna get stuck fucking them the whole night so you pretend to see someone you know across the room and ditch ‘em?

And now he just won’t stop giving me the googly eyes in class every week. What the fuck do I do?

– Swing-Swang-Swung


Dear Swing-Swang-Swung,

First, please allow me to congratulate you and raise a glass in toast – an invite to a swingers party as a first move? – ¡joder mujer! That’s a bold move.

So he was hot enough for you to want to impress him with an invite to a swingers party, but not hot enough to hold your attention when there. Now I’ve never been to one, but I’m guessing that the whole thrill of a swingers party is to meet sexy strangers and your partner is more of a wing-man.

As much as I hate to sound boring, I’d recommend trying a more conventional date where he doesn’t need to compete with a room full of horny strangers – maybe some naughty times in class after hours? It takes balls to turn up to an invite like that, so the dude’s got cojones. There’s potential there. Don’t be put off by the googly eyes, he’s probably just got a gigantic horn on since he saw you at the party.

And lastly, how come I never get invited to swingers parties?

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I masturbate. A lot. Sometimes I masturbate up to three times a day. Am I messed up? Is this dangerous? I don’t think my other girl friends wank. They all seem to be almost a-sexual. I’ve tried to stop but I cannot stop.Help!

– Fanny Fiddler


Dear Fanny Fiddler,

Everybody wanks. And if they don’t, they should, in honour of International Masturbation Month if nothing else. As to your girl friends, they are definitely masturbating. According to the BCN Més Fuckus group, it’s a regular part of life:

Respondent 1: Ooo, about three times a week. Usually as a way to put myself to sleep during siestas. I always use my fingers and almost always fantasise about imaginary people.

Respondent 2: Normally twice a week, but more when I’m ovulating. I use my fingers and a dildo, but without batteries. I’m a green person. I either think about old lovers or fantasy people, never a guy I want to shag because I don’t want to create expectations.

Respondent 3: Do green dildos exist?

Respondent 2: I don’t know; I just don’t use batteries.

Respondent 3: Maybe there’s a windup dildo (goes away and googles).

Respondent 4: I don’t masturbate much, but last month I had one week I was doing it twice a day, thinking about my ex and sometimes watching porn for 3 minutes hahaha!

Respondent 1: Why only three minutes?

Respondent 3: Nope. No windup dildos, but there are rechargeable ones. As well as cock rings and prostate massagers.

Getting back to your question, Fanny Fiddler, whether you’re a finger wanker, a toy wanker, a steady wanker or a binge wanker, you’re not alone. So don’t be a worried wanker.

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Has anyone ever asked you to dress up as a cat? I’m dating this student of mine. He’s a bit weird to be honest. But you know what it’s like: the weirder a guy is, the more I seem to be drawn to him. Well, he’s asked me to act like a cat as much as possible, and dress up like a cat. So far, so meow you say? The thing is, I don’t think it’s a regular guy thing. Regular guys like girls in nurse’s outfits, or girls in cat outfits. But something about this one makes me suspect he likes actual cats. He wants me to make cat noises, to greet him like a cat when he comes home, to just generally hang out around his house acting like a cat. I think he gets off on them.

– Grumpy Cat


Dear Grumpy Cat,

Well, he at least wants a human-shaped vagina on his cat-shaped fantasy. Good thing right? Anyway, this guy doesn’t seem to know what a cat is. Because the reality of his requests are:

  1. a) The sound of emptiness and the sight of silence. Cats don’t greet nae cunt.
  1. b) Arrogance and moodiness. Ask for food, then reject it. Make it clear that nothing the other person does will ever be good enough. Pretend you want affection but then react to any touch with vicious physical violence. Bite, scratch, and draw blood as often as possible.

It just sounds like the guy wants to be in an abusive relationship. Maybe the next time he comes over smack him around the head and see if that works?