I had a very strange Tinder date recently. Now, I’m a man who likes to indulge in the fantasies of the women I sleep with. Even if they scare me and make me a bit uncomfortable, I do it. She likes to be smacked. Okay. She wants to enact a rape fantasy? Err…okay. But this date blurred the lines between fantasy and reality so much I still don’t know what happened. We met, we hit it off, we went back to mine. So far, so Tinder, right?
Then we were getting busy on the bed. I put my condom on and got into flight launch position. This is when she stopped me, and said I needed to pay her if I wanted to enter. I thought this was a joke, ja ja, soo funny. So we messed around a little more, and then I once again got into launch position. And again, she stopped me and said I needed to pay her. At this point I called the whole thing off. I got out of bed, asked her to get dressed and walked her to the door. All this time she was protesting that she would like to continue. I don’t know. Was she a prostitute, or was she trying to live out a prostitute fantasy?
– Mr. Flight Launch
Dear Flight Launch,
I’ve asked a lot of women and done some research online, and apart from a very specific kind of sheltered middle-aged housewife who watched the movie Indecent Proposal and actually thought it was romantic, nobody has prostitute fantasies. The only women who dream of getting paid for sex are women who, in fact, charge for sex, or women who hate their low-paying day jobs. In the latter case it’s not a sexual fantasy, it’s an economic fantasy, filed right next to winning the lottery, getting promoted, and – if you work in the creative industry – getting paid at all. If you aren’t sure, you could invite her over again and offer her Monopoly money. And hey, why not go crazy and throw in ownership of a hotel on Mayfair Street to sweeten the deal?
I recently had a dream come true. I’d met this girl while working on a movie. We really liked each other but she was in a long-term relationship. The spark between us was hard to resist but I wanted to do it right, so I told her that we couldn’t continue to see each other unless she first breaks up with her boyfriend. This took one and a half years, as she was heavily emotionally dependent on him. It took so long, but she was finally free and we had sex at last! And it was awful. I’ve never slept with someone less sexually compatible in my life. Help!!!
– What have I done?!
There are only three things you can do in this situation:
. Say you’ve been offered a job at a company in Kathmandu, Nepal. Then move to Kathmandu, Nepal.
. Say your maternal grandfather is a Colombian drug lord who has summoned you back to take over the family business. Then move to Colombia.
. Say you have just been involved in an extreme sports accident in which your penis got cut off. Then…cut off….