Dear Prithika,

I met a guy who seems sorta nice. The sex was okay, he knew what to do, was concerned about my orgasm, etc. There wasn’t a lot of chemistry, but hey, we didn’t really know each other that well. I’ve slept with him twice, and both times after sex, he did two strange things:

  1. He didn’t cuddle, giving the summer heat as an excuse. He said we’d cuddle in the morning when it was cooler, although this just ended up being foreplay.
  2. At night, he put in ear plugs and a weird face mask thing that completely blocked out light, and told me if I needed his attention I should tap him on the shoulder because he wouldn’t be able to see or hear anything during the night.

This is all very weird. How do I loosen him up?

– Sensorarily Deprived

Dear Sensorarily Deprived,

Leave him.

Hola Prithika,

How’s it going? Last year I met a really cool guy while travelling. We kept in touch and the feeling between us was strong so we decided to see where this goes. So this year he’s moved to Barcelona. It’s been two weeks.

The thing is he’s completely different now. He used to be kind, funny, and didn’t take himself too seriously. But now he’s negative, judgmental and sexist. He spends all our time together moaning and bitching about his life, and rarely has anything intelligent to say. For example, the other day he mentioned the movie Her and I got excited because I like discussing what a world after artificial intelligence will look like. But instead he managed to tell me this long boring story of a love affair he had with a girl via Skype and all the reasons it didn’t work between them. It’s like he has no interests outside of people he fucks and what he can do for money.

It was so good when we were together last year. I know we can get back to that place, I just need to get him to wake up and take an interest in the world around him. You know, come out of his self-pity paddling pool. Any ideas how I can get my partner interested in life beyond his dick?

– Travel Lover

Dear Travel Lover,

It’s going good, thanks.

Leave him.

Hi Prithika,

Yesterday I went to the going-away party of a friend of my boyfriend. This friend is a young Italian Erasmus student and he had invited people over and cooked dinner. It was the first time I had met the Italian but throughout the night our eyes kept meeting. There was something there, no sé qué, pero there was something. And the food he cooked… it was the most incredible parmigiana I have ever tasted in my life. It was like a beautiful orgasm in my mouth. In fact, my mouth’s getting wet just writing this and remembering that soft, cheesy deliciousness. Until last night I was sure I loved my boyfriend. But now I’m confused. What do I do?

– Mouth Orgasm

Dear Morgasm,

Leave him.

Move to Italy. Always follow the Parmigiana.