Sex Advice: if you have a problem or doubt…

Dear Prithika,

I’ve got a problem with excess gas. I think it has cost me lovers in the past but I’m not sure. Maybe they left for other reasons. Farting in the other person’s presence, is this a deal breaker?
Maximus Gaseous

Dear Maximus Gaseous,

This one divides the critics. Generally, I’m all for acceptance of our natural bodies and bodily functions blah blah, but there are farts and then there are farts that erode your teeth and make your nose crawl back into your brain. You know the ones, after a night of drunken debauchery.

I know of one guy who was just starting a torrid affair with a new girl. It was in that first-month stage when everything is searing hot. He came over, they started making out, he pushed her against the wall, pulled her clothes off, and then went to lift her up. He grabbed her ass in both hands, hoisted and…. let out the largest, loudest, foghorn of a fart he’d ever heard in his life. He laughed, but then it took him several hours of cajoling to get the girl to overcome her embarrassment. He didn’t get sex that night, but the relationship endured.

Yet, for another lovely lady, a prerequisite of loving her is that you are able to love and name her farts. Until a man can prove himself in this trial, the relationship will go no further. And she gets takers. She is a very lovely lady.

I’d say in general, uncontrollable farts: forgivable. An on-purpose fart (I know because I feel your stomach tense up to push out) while we’re spooning and I’m the big spoon: buy the family pack of cat food and prepare to die alone.

Hi Prithika,

So, about a month ago, I was out with some friends. We were in a bar and started talking to a couple of girls who joined our group. It ended up being a long, fun night, me and one of the girls went dancing, then we went home and had amazing y’know fireworks ‘n ‘erything sex. We had a second date, where I thought things went well. And a third one. The third date was still hot and steamy. She told me about this time she met a guy in a bar and they ended up fucking in the back of the bar. Then she asked me what I wanted to do to her. I was so horny after listening to her story! I told her I wanted to take her home, I wanted to eat her out and fuck her hard! Then she said she wanted to go for some pizza instead, and how glad she was that we were going to be such good friends. And I was like, “but…wha…but…no sex?”
Confused

Dear Confused,

Firstly, commiserations and welcome to Barcelona’s largest urban tribe, the clan of the friend-zoned. Unfortunately, there was a surprise test and you failed with flying colours. I’m guessing the lady is into naughty public space sex and the thrill of getting caught. You were probably meant to slide your hands between her legs while you were sitting at the bar, or at the very least lock yourself in the bathroom with her and piss off all the decent folk queuing to pee and take drugs.

Next time maybe don’t respond to her fantasies with the complete opposite. Telling a public fucker you want to take her back to your flat and shut the bedroom door is like telling a dominatrix she’s been a bad girl and you want to teach her a lesson.

Hola Prithika,

I’ve got a question for the ladies. If vagina is not on the cards, where do they like a guy to finish?
Me Corro

Dear Me Corro,

I’ve conducted a focus group interview for you. Thanks to this, my Whatsapp messages are now 100% more interesting than they used to be, and full of the most creatively combined emoticons you can imagine.

[Group Conversation]
Respondent 1: I never had that question. I’ve only been asked “Can I cum inside?” I usually give them the option of face.
Respondent 2: Boobs, but careful it doesn’t overshoot and go in your eye!
Respondent 1: Yeah, burns like a motherfucker!
Respondent 4: I say armpit, just to see the look on their faces. It’s worth it every time.
Respondent 3: Tits… even though I know the guy really wants me to say mouth.
Respondent 1: Of course they want us to say mouth. First ask him what did he eat?
Respondent 2: I would hope if you’re giving him oral, his answer would be pussy…
Respondent 1: Yeah! Eat the pussy!

So there you have it Me Corro, from the BCN Més fuck-us group. The ladies favour boobs. They appear to think there is a hierarchy of places which men prefer 1) mouth 2) boobs 3) belly-button. And where you get to put your dick, is directly linked to how much time you spend down south.

Please, send your questions to advice@bcnmes.com

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