Have you used Tinder Social? I hear it’s a great way to start an orgy as you’ve got an entire group of girls all up for it. Is this true?
– Orgy Starter
Dear Orgy Starter,
I haven’t used Tinder Social but I suspect it changes little about who you guys are as a group of friends. So please decide what group you are first and then you’ll find my answer:
• Are you the Archie’s comic group, containing the full spectrum of American heartland high school drama? You know: nerdy (now updated to kooky) friend who won’t pull; slutty bad girl or boy who secretly wants to find love and stop sleeping around; sweet attractive pair who will start an irritatingly enduring relationship from a chance encounter; and all the rest of the supporting cast who no one gives a fuck about. Do you all secretly (or openly, if it’s a safe space) wonder which character from Friends you are most like?
My answer: No, you will not have an orgy on Tinder Social.
• Or are you the Skins group, who’ve been whoring your way through your twenties – and well into your late thirties – in bare-bodied, drugged-up, youthful splendor? Does your first-time story include six of your best mates, an almost-famous rock band, a sex tape, a goat, jail time, and enough drugs to tranquilize a 7,000 kilo bull elephant?
My answer: Yes, you will have an orgy on Tinder Social.
OMG! 50 Shades Darker is being released this month. Aren’t you excited? So, I know Christian and Ana’s safe word is red. What’s your safe word? Do you have any more ideas how to practise safe BDSM?
– 50 Shades of Excited
Dear 50 Shades of Excited,
My safe word used to be Justin Bieber, but ever since that book came out, it’s either Christian Grey, Ana, or inner goddess. There is nothing that kills a hot moment faster than the characters from that insufferable trilogy.
Anyway, the first step to safe BDSM sex is to make sure you’re into BDSM sex. Most of the middle-aged wifeys getting their knickers wet for Christian Grey are actually turned on by millionaire fantasies rather than submissive fantasies. Swap his character out for a redneck living in a trailer and then tell me how sexy it is that he stalks you to your place of work, your lunch with your mother and your night out with friends, and emails you like your recently retired uncle, someone with a whole lot of time and scant understanding of frequency-etiquette in the world of digital communication.
Ask yourself, do you still want to be tied up if he’s doing it with the tie he wore to his 26th unsuccessful job interview? If the answer is yes, then the next step is to choose a good safe word. Well, the next step is to find a great dominant partner. Someone sexy, balanced, and trustworthy who understands that wanting to be dominated in bed doesn’t warrant a lack of respect outside the dungeon.
Then we chose the safe word. According to Whiplr (Tinder for kinky kids), the top 5 commonly used safe words are:
Boring right? I suggest, from my personal list of things which douse the fire:
1. Install updates
2. Internal memory full
3. Soak overnight
4. Cleaning schedule
5. Darse de alta con el Modelo 037